The Hero of Ferelden: A Varric Tethras Production
by Kal-El Fornia
Summary: After their buddy Hawke is named the Champion of Kirkwall, Varric and Isabela decide to mooch off his success to write a musical starring the whole gang. When the two finish a script retelling the grand adventure of the Hero of Ferelden, they enlist the acting power of one Ethan Hawke to play the starring role.


**I mostly started this account to read and discuss with other fans about things from when I was growing up and to revel in the comfortable nostalgia of the past. It is true that while I do mostly read and write about what had been my favorite show as a kid, another thing that captured my heart these past few years is a little thing called Dragon Age. Origins is easily my favorite game, and although I agree with many that DA2 was far inferior, I still had fun playing the game as Hawke, even if it was a bit of a let down from the Warden. So, I sat here and wondered on how could I combine the first two Dragon Age games without doing a crossover? Why, we could have our favorite Dwarf show up and use his charmingly sleazy tactics to write a musical about the Hero of Ferelden. It might be a bit out there, but I can see him taking Hawke's status as the Champion to find a way to mooch off it and make some good coin in the process.**

Quote of the day:

 _ **"I'm in a funny business, Rey. Everybody talks like hippies and acts like they're in the Sicilian mob."**_

 _ **— Lisa Lundquist, Law & Order**_

* * *

"So, Hawke baby, what do you say?" Varric said in his most man-hunk voice, all the while sending Hawke a charming wink.

It took a moment for the aforementioned Hawke to let the fact that Varric and Isabela had written a musical together sink in. He glanced down at the script they had handed him, and took a chug of The Hanged Man's infamous swill, courtesy of everyone's favorite hairy-chested dwarf, and he began to flip through the pages, not really sure how he was going to answer Varric. To be honest, Hawke's idea of fun was more 'murder people while making witty one-liners', and less 'theater production', but he did admit that it would be nice to expand his cultural horizon for once. Killing wave after wave of mercenaries that popped out of thin air did get boring after a while.

"If I do this," Hawke was still skeptical, "which part do I get?"

To Varric those were the sweetest words he'd heard all day. He shared a knowing glance with Isabela, being content with the knowledge that no matter how the rest of the conversation went down, that Hawke was going to be in their musical. He never really understood why Hawke accepted every single request that every single person asked of him, honestly most of the time it distracted the guy with delivering some lost something or other to somebody when he had much more urgent matters to attend to, but right now Varric wasn't going to look a gift bronto in the mouth. Although, Varric did try asking Hawke about it once to try and make some sense of the odd habit, but he ended up just being more confused than anything and decided to just drop the topic when he heard his friend's answer of 'getting experience points'. He had never really understood Fereldens all that much.

Varric was nonchalant as he prepared to tell Hawke which part in the musical he would get, especially since getting Hawke into this particular role was kind of the whole point of even writing the script in the first place. "Why, who else would you be? The Warden of course."

It was then that Hawke stopped skimming through his script, and set it down and looked at everyone else at the table to see if they had caught what Varric said. It seemed that Aveline hadn't noticed anything wrong with him getting the lead as the Warden since it looked like she was still carefully reading the synopsis of the plot. Fenris understandably just sat there broodily drinking since he, as a former slave, wouldn't know how to read anything let alone a script, and probably had no idea what the big problem was if Hawke were to play the Warden. Merrill sat there cheerfully skimming through the pages of the play, though Hawke honestly wasn't really sure that she could even read the human language since she was Dalish and all that jazz, and it seemed like Anders was the only one who had the same feeling as Hawke since he had that equally confused look on his face. As always, Sebastian wasn't invited.

"I figured that you'd be the one playing the Warden." Hawke admitted, since he did honestly think that Varric was the only one who actually made sense in that role.

Varric knew that as of that moment, that the only thing he'd be playing was dumb. He had half-hoped that Hawke didn't question him about his choice of casting the lead, but he knew better since asking a bunch of random questions about everything, and then making snarky side comments about the answers to said questions as if people thought he was actually funny, was one of Hawke's most annoying habits. Good thing he at least had a backup plan and good reasoning as to why he wasn't going to be taking the primer role in the play.

"Me?" Varric began innocently. "No, no, no, no, au contraire, Hawke. I'm playing Oghren, the lovable rascal of the group."

At first, neither Hawke nor Varric said anything, and if one were to look in the background of the conversation they would see Anders basically face-palming at his old pal Oghren being described as lovable. They sat there gazing into each other's eyes, which after a while became a bit too sensual, and then Hawke decided to just voice his problem with the role that Varric had wanted to give him.

"The Warden was a Dwarf."

"And?"

"I'm not one."

More silence, and more of that awkwardly staring at each other occurred. It was kind of odd how no one else seemed to be interjecting themselves into the conversation.

Varric shrugged. "Who cares?"

Hawke scoffed. "Probably the Warden."

Varric opened his mouth to say something, but then stopped himself and sighed. Hawke usually wasn't this difficult when it came to accepting doing a favor or job for someone, most of the time from either complete strangers or people that he's had like one conversation with, since pretty much nobody in Kirkwall did anything about their problems except complain. In fact now that he thought about it, all it usually took for someone to get Hawke to agree to do something was to just tell him, and in turn anybody who he felt like dragging along to have another near-death experience, what to do and vaguely promise something in return. That and give him the chance to say something 'witty'. Needless to say, it seemed to Varric like he needed a new strategy in getting Hawke to agree.

"A little help, Rivaini?" Varric turned and asked his writing partner, since said strategy was one that involved passing the buck to the second sexiest person to ever tread the seas of Thedas, the first being the Arishok of course.

Isabela unsheathed a dagger and pointed it directly at Hawke. "Look, Hawke, we need you for the lead. You're the Champion of Kirkwall for crying out loud! It's time we exploit that fact for all we can."

Hawke paused, not really sure what to say, and began to sip his drink again. His friends were asking for his help. Sure it was for something that was kind of stupid, but he couldn't just turn his back on them. So he thought for a moment, and lowered his drink away from his mouth and turned to Merrill.

"What do you think?"

The Dalish mage stopped from her randomly skipping to different parts of her script and looked over at Hawke. She smiled in the way that she knew he liked. "Oh, it sounds like so much fun! Can we do it please?"

Hawke bit the inside of his cheek, and then turned his attention away from Merrill and back to Varric and Isabela, and then Merrill again. Whether it was waking up in the middle of the night to get his girlfriend a snack, or helping her to rebuild a demonic mirror that just might end up bringing doom upon the entire world, Hawke just couldn't say no to Merrill. She was much too adorable for that!

Isabela lowered at dagger and fluttered her eyelashes at the Champion. "Yes, Hawke, can we do it please?"

Hawke grunted, annoyed at Isabela. His eyes shifted between the Dwarf and the pirate captain, and he couldn't help but feel that maybe Carver had put them up to this to get back at him for some contrived reason. "And this isn't just some excuse to see me make an ass of myself?"

Isabela made a face that gave the impression that what Hawke said was something that was completely ridiculous. "Come on, Hawke, have a little faith in your pals! We're going to be right up there with you too, you know."

The Champion snorted. "Right, and who are you playing again?"

Isabela grinned and sat up straighter and coughed before poising herself elegantly. "I'm going to be Morrigan, the exotic seductress with a secret heart of gold."

Hawke nodded in understanding, figuring that Isabela would be playing the character that wore the least amount of clothes. Hell, even Hawke conquered that territory completely by accident, but in spite of that fact he was pretty glad that it happened. Well, aside from that venereal disease that Anders had to cure him of anyways.

He thought for a moment, before relaxing a bit in his chair, thinking that maybe Isabela was being sincere since she was in fact also going to be taking a role in the musical. "How secret is it?"

Isabela paused and weighed things in her mind before she answered honestly. "She's kind of a bitch."

 _Fantastic_ , he just needed another reason for somebody to nag him. As if he didn't receive enough of that at home from Bodahn for his routinely giving salamanders to Sandal so that he could watch the little guy blow stuff up. "Wonderful."

The conversation stopped there for bit with no one really knowing what to say, but Varric decided to speak up when he noticed that Hawke was about to start drinking again. "So, are you in or not?"

Ignoring the dwarf for a second, and taking another chug of his drink, Hawke stared on as both Varric and Isabela were waiting for his answer, and then he made the mistake of glancing over at Merrill, only to see giant expectant eyes. Damn it, cuteness. "I'm in, but what about the Dwarf thing?"

Varric just shrugged once more. "Don't worry about it, we'll chalk it up to artistic license."

Out of nowhere, and gaining everyone's attention in the process, Fenris stood up dramatically while interrupting the conversation that had been going on. "Well then, it seems I should be heading home."

Isabela shared a curious look with both Varric and Hawke before making eye contact with Fenris. "Is everything alright?"

"Everything's fine. I was just waiting to see what Hawke was going to say. He usually drags us along for whatever he decides to do." Fenris replied, always preferring to be straight to the point whenever he could.

Isabela raised an eyebrow, not sure if Fenris was complaining or simply stating a matter of fact. "You don't mind, do you?"

"No," was Fenris' honest answer, "but just so you know, I don't know how to read."

The pirate captain waved it off. "That's fine, we thought about that. All you have to do is that when it's your turn to talk, just make some sexual innuendo about whatever was said last."

"Who am I playing?"

Grinning, Isabela knew that the whole crew was going to have loads of fun with the project. "You're going to be Zevran, the sexy elf with a dark and troubled past."

"This is," Fenris paused before he chugged what was left of his alcohol, and set the mug back down on the table. He then looked up again, not at Isabela or anyone else, but instead he stared just a bit beyond their direction as if he had set his eyes on something that could have only been understood by someone who had lived the same type of life as him. Somewhere in the world, a fan girl was squealing, "satisfactory."

Sure enough Fenris left, dramatically of course without another word, and the moment he was out of sight an excited Merrill decided to speak up. "Isabela, who do I get to be?"

The pirate leaned forward and spoke as if she was dishing out some particularly juicy local gossip. "I picked out the perfect part for you. You get to be Sten, the mighty and proud Qunari warrior that accompanied the Warden on his journey."

"Oh! Do I get to wear big funny horns?"

"Sure, Kitten, whatever you want."

With eyebrow raised, Varric looked over at Isabela since he knew that she was well aware of the fact that the Qunari who had traveled with the Warden apparently didn't have any horns. She returned a knowing glance that told him that she was going to just let Merrill have her fun.

"This is going to be so much fun!" Merrill almost bounced where she was sitting.

"Yeah," Isabela winked. "I figured you'd like playing him."

With that said and done it seemed to Varric that their job of getting Hawke to be on board with the idea was finished, and he relaxed in his chair a bit. Well, at least he started to before Aveline spoke anyways.

"What about us?" the guard captain motioned between Anders and herself.

Damn, he shouldn't have forgotten about her and Anders. Had he been anyone else he would have probably awkwardly admitted that he had forgotten that the two of them were even there. Good thing Varric was good at pulling things out of his ass. "As the most lovely guard captain that Kirkwall has ever had, Isabela and I felt that you'd be perfect for the role of the bastard prince Alistair."

"King." Aveline raised her armor clad fist and clenched it. "He is King Alistair."

Ah yes, he forgot that Aveline was a Ferelden. It was best if he avoided accidentally insulting her. If there was one thing a Ferelden didn't take kindly to, it was rude words directed at their royalty or their dogs.

Before things got more awkward, Anders waved his hand at his companions to get their attention. "Wait, hold on a second."

Varric sighed, not happy that he had to contend with more semantics after he had already gotten Hawke to sign off on the musical idea. "What, Blondie?"

The rebel Warden looked down at his drink since he didn't want to look Varric or Isabela in the face, and he twiddled his fingers together. "I thought that I'd be playing Alistair."

"Why?" Varric asked as he glanced over at Aveline who didn't seem to be all that content that Anders was trying to take her role.

"I actually kind of look like him. Also, I'm a Grey Warden."

The Dwarf paused for a moment and looked at the mug in his hand. Did Anders of all people really want to play some guy who was a former Templar? Just how fucking drunk was he? "Really? I heard he was fat."

"Well," Was he fat? Anders didn't remember Alistair being at all pudgy when he had seen him at Amaranthine. Maybe the comforts of royalty had taken its toll on the king? "I looked like him before he gained all the weight then."

This was starting to get awkward and uncomfortable again. Varric looked over at Isabela, and knew that she had the same idea as him. "Auditions?

"Auditions." she confirmed.

Glad that that was over, Varric raised his mug in relief. "Well, you heard the lady, we'll hold auditions for who gets to be Alistair."

He stood up from his chair, while Isabela followed his lead, and the two of them downed what was left of their drinks, and slowly began to make their way to The Hanged Man's front door, despite the fact that that was the place where the both of them lived. Fun loving spirits like them felt it was best to avoid uneasy situations considering that Aveline and Anders had begun to argue amongst themselves, but what popped out to Varric was when he heard Hawke's last words to him for the night.

"This better not come back to bite me in the ass, Varric."

Varric turned around for a moment, and raised his hands in faux defense. "Don't worry, Chuckles, it'll be fine! After this no one in Kirkwall will be able to resist the acting power of one Ethan Hawke."

It wasn't until they were just about to leave The Hanged Man that Isabela finally said something to him right as he was opening the door. "Hey, Varric, I just thought of something."

"Yeah?"

"Well I knew the Warden before he was famous." she admitted.

"What about it?"

"Well it made me wonder about something. Do you think that anybody is ever going to write stories about us someday?"

He paused for a moment and thought. "Nah I doubt it, Rivaini, who would ever want to read about us anyways?"

* * *

 **I haven't exactly decided on who will necessarily be the one to play Alistair, I'm leaning towards Aveline, but I can go for Anders as well. Obviously this is set in between Acts 2 and 3, and it is only a matter of time before I update this to decide who it is that will be playing our comic relief Grey Warden. Sebastian is maybe Shale? Wynne?**


End file.
